June 9, 2010

Hello there. Well someone told me last fall semester that it would be helpful for teachers to write recommendation letters if they just kept a simple journal of their small achievements. I have been really lazy last semester and I did not feel very motivated because I was uncertain about what I wanted for the future. I was disappointed about not having math and science classes, which I more of an interest in than other subjects, so I was also really bored. Now that I have finally had a chance to be in those classes this Spring semester 2010, I have clearer perspective on what I want in the future. Even though the path to my future is still slightly unclear, at least it is starting to finally have some focus.

I was hoping this would help me keep track of my progress in the new things that I have been trying to start up (and also hopefully help me improve on my poor writing skills). After the sluggish period of laziness and boredom, I decided to make a list of things that I would like to improve around the time of New Years, like many others. Even though there are many unfulfilled goals, I was still able to work on some of them. Some progress is better than none is what I always tell myself.

I feel really glad that I have been getting better dealing with my fear of not being good enough (have not fully overcome the fear but I am working on it AND making progress) or meeting the high standards that others have achieved. I was constantly being told that I was never good enough for anything and instead of pushing me forward to prove them wrong, like what many parents blindly believe, it just discouraged me and made me feel like I was useless, worthless, ugly, retarded, and it took a huge toll on my self-confidence. I would used to look at myself in the mirror and just constantly hate everything that I would see. I would never feel accomplished by anything I did, whether it would be getting straight A’s, student of the month, awards, honors, praise, or completed projects. They all felt worthless. Useless. Not good enough. Horrifying. Which led to other feelings of confusion, emptiness, and lack of self-confidence or purpose.

I do not want to live like this for the rest of my life. Change needs progress. Progress can only be made with some initiative. Simple things such as trying to tell myself that I am beautiful, strong, intelligent, and confident helped me with my perspective of myself. I never liked telling these things to myself because I thought I was just being stupid and conceited. I should be modest but at the same time, I will not kill my confidence. I will be proud of myself. Everyone is unique in their own way, so who has the right to define the “standards” of this so called “beauty” or “intelligence”?

I never felt like I would be able to change because I thought that changes always have to start with something big and epic, or it was only for those that have a strong personality. Those changes always start with steps. This is probably cliché, but it supports my point. A seed never becomes a tree in a day. It requires water, care, and time. It overcomes many obstacles, such as weeds, insects, or animals. Not everyone can just become a talented musician, artist, or athlete in a day. Nothing is impossible if you just try. How could you possibly know your potential if you do not even try to see the possibilities? People constantly under mind themselves and say that it is not possible for them to do so.

I just tell myself, “Hey, that kid can play an instrument. I am human. They are human. It is totally within the realm of my potential. I will not be able to play as well as they are right now, but if I keep at it, maybe I can make something sound decent. ” I have been playing piano for two semesters now. I am no Mozart, but I am pleased with my progress. Ten months ago, I could not even play Mary had a Little Lamb. Now I can play simplified versions of songs such as Canon and the Entertainer.

Well, I feel like I have rambled on for a long time now and lost focus, so I will continue another time about my other goals that I have been working on, but has led to me wonder about something. What motivates you to try something new and continue working on it until you reach your goals? How do you overcome your fears of obstacles? How do you improve your self-confidence?